I'm not quite sure what it is, but lately I've been in the worst mood. The littlest things will set off my temper and keep it high. It almost feels like I wake up angry... Well, not quite. It's the second that I get out of bed that I get angry.
I don't know if it's just hormones, or if the stress is starting to set in that, possibly very soon, I'm going to have a baby and two large dogs to take care of while my husband is overseas. It worries me to know that, while he's gone, I have no safety net. Unless I do decide to temporarily move back home, there will be no one to help me take care of the baby. I won't have a moment to myself. I won't get breaks. I'm not exactly sure how to deal with that at this point.
Add to that the fact that my boss keeps trying to pin me down to a last day - or to make me commit to coming back to work soon after Ben is born - and I just feel cornered.
I mean, come on. I don't know how long I'm going to feel like working. It's not that I work a lot of hours, but when you're on your feet for 8 at a time, outside in the heat (it does get hot in that stand sometimes), bending and lifting and trying to do a million things at once...I'm going to work as long as I can, but I'm not going to promise to be there right up until my due date.
And I highly doubt I'll be going back after the baby is here. I won't have anyone to watch him while I'm gone, and work isn't important enough to me to search for a babysitter/nanny/daycare. If I tell the boss that now, though, I'm sure she'll just pressure me and pressure me and pressure me. Right now, I'm staying as vague as possible.
Add to both of those things is the fact that I feel totally cut out of the "pregnant group" out here. One of the girls has already given birth, and the other is due next month. They hang out with each other all the time, and when all three couples get together, they pretty much talk to just each other and I spend my time chatting with the husbands. Even if we all do end up stationed in the same port (kind of doubtful), I'm not really sure I can rely on them for support.
I try not to be bitter about that. (I may have mentioned all of this before. Now that I'm talking about it, I can't remember if I've already said it.) Some people just click. They did, and I didn't. It's not like they're rude or anything to me... it's just that sort of mopey "they wouldn't care if I wasn't around" feeling.
It's not like I don't have other friends - I obviously do. It's just hard, being out here. I spend about 90% of my free time either alone or hanging out with Mark. And, as I mentioned before, he could be going on deployment soon.
I wish I didn't whine on this blog so much. It feels repetitive, and I feel guilty for making those of you who read this read my mopey nonsense, but... It's just been one of those weeks.
Oh, and Mango's rash is back. With a vengeance.
I've changed my mind.
ReplyDeleteI now somewhat selfishly wish you could move to Winona, where I would be able to help you with the pups and with babysitting and we could squeeze in writing in our spare time and you would have a safety net and it would be wonderful.
*sigh*
Winona's pretty great in the summer and fall, just so you know. It's not Seattle or San Diego, but it is very pretty. My opinion of it has improved substantially. And also I miss you. Sorry everything's so stressful. :(
That idea may not be so far outside the realm of possibility - Mark and I have been tossing around the idea of me moving home while he's on deployment, that way I wouldn't be out here all by myself. I could rent a cheap apartment for a little bit, and all I would need is a driving buddy to help me get some things (ie: the dogs) back to MN.
ReplyDeleteWe don't have any details really worked out, since we have no idea where we'll be, when he deploys, or for how long. But I'm keeping people posted as we find things out. (so far, we've found out basically nothing)
Things are just stressful every now and then, when I let them overwhelm me. And then I usually feel like venting it out, which is why the blog is typically so unhappy.
I'm glad your opinion of Winona is changing, because then hopefully you won't want to move so very far away. I'm counting down the time (already) until Mark and I can move back to MN and be around everyone again. I would be very sad if you left it just as we were coming back. :(
But yes. I will talk with you more tonight, on Skype, and we will discuss stuff and things.
Holy crap. It would be so amazing if you could really come here.
ReplyDeleteO_O
Yes, we will speak of these matters later.
Also, personal blogs are FOR venting. My post today was almost shockingly upbeat, but really, I tend to look at them as primarily for the purpose of catharsis.
I'm going to be brutally honest and say that I think the idea of you moving back home while Mark is deployed is a really good idea. If you have almost no support system like you say, that is going to be phenomenally difficult. I feel for you so much because I remember very well being in Germany where I never connected with any of the other Army wives (who gossiped non-stop about a bunch of people and officer's wives I didn't know) so like you, I usually ended up talking to their husbands who were at least into video games and anime like I was (they were all really jealous of Zach, having such a "cool" wife). I don't know how I would have been able to cope with isolation like that without Zach being around, plus having a newborn and two dogs. I don't want to make it sound like you CAN'T do it, because I think motherhood brings out all sorts of amazing new coping abilities, like you wouldn't believe how well you can actually function with a year's worth of horrible sleep, but I hate the idea of having literally no one around to give you a break. It's incredibly important to be able to take time to be alone out of the house without the baby so you don't lose all sense of yourself.
ReplyDeleteAs for work, I dunno... if you can afford to not go back, I would stay home, especially if you plan on breastfeeding. This boss of yours sounds very demanding. How understanding is she going to be if you need to pump, even if it is the law? (I'm not sure about CA BF laws, I'd have to look it up). Babies change so much in the first year. The last thing I want to do is to tell you how to live your life, but just think if that little bit of extra money is worth sacrificing that time with your baby. Those are moments you'll never get back. I'd say pick a date to quit (hopefully soon, since I don't like the sound of all of that standing and lifting. Are you drinking a lot of water? Make sure you keep track if you start getting frequent Braxton-Hicks contractions), tell your boss you won't be coming back, and enjoy the last couple months of "solitude" with Mark if you can :) I know financially that might not be possible... I really hope you work something out. I wish I was closer to lend you a hand or just hold Ben for a while so you can shower once he's born. It's really frustrating for me to not be able to do anything to help, knowing how hard it can be when you're alone.
Man, this whole comment sounded like such a downer... Sorry about that. No matter what, you guys will be fine!
I don't think that's too brutally honest at all. In fact, I was about 90% sure that that is what I'm going to do while he's gone (provided we can afford to drive cross-country). Now I'm about 98% sure. I mean, I'm sure I could struggle by on my own, but it would be soooo hard. And what's the point in struggling, if I could make things a million times easier by moving?
ReplyDeleteI'm 99% sure I'm not going back to work once Ben is born. The money isn't good enough to stay, and I don't want to miss time with him. Unfortunately, I don't think I can quit yet. I will once it gets to be too much, but I should probably tough it out a little longer. It relieves a lot of stress off of Mark just to know there's that little extra bit of money coming in.
Thankfully he's getting promoted to the next pay grade within a month and a half, so that'll pretty much cover what we'd lose from me quitting.
Haha, you don't sound like a downer at all! I appreciate realistic advice - I get really tired of people being all sunshine and roses about it. It does not help me to be all "Oh, things will work out fine!" I have to think proactively - and, again, realistically - about all this. :)
Oh thank goodness. I was worried that I was totally driving you nuts with random advice or depressing you. That's awesome Mark is getting promoted. And I think you should get some sort of increase with a baby as well, right? I'm not sure. At least little Ben will be a big help at tax season ;)
ReplyDeleteI can't believe people are being all "La Dee Dah stuff will be awesome" at you. I kind of feel usually BTDT moms are doom and gloom to pregnant first-timers ;) All that, "Oh just you WAIT!!" type of stuff. I'm definitely not going to do that, except that I do think it's good to kind of prepare yourself for the worst so you can be ready if it does end up being that difficult or pleasantly surprised if turns out to be a very easygoing baby. Let me know if there's anything else I can offer from my "vast" experience to help you out. I don't like to go overboard with advice because I'm very paranoid of coming across as pushy or offending people with all my crazy earthy-crunchy, attachment parenting stuff (though I'm really not as hardcore as some people I know). I really do think some of it helps a ton, though, as well as having realistic expectations (like thinking as I did that babies have one "2 AM feeding" and that's it? HA!!!) Anyway, good luck and thanks for letting me stalk your life. The only blog I'm able to somewhat maintain right now is my fan fiction one which I think maybe one person reads. ;D I'm living pregnancy again vicariously through you (but without the nasty side-effects!) and engagement fun through Elise.