Guilt

Next week will be my last week at work (or last day. So far I'm only scheduled for one, and though the other coffee shop lady keeps trying to push me to take another, I don't really want to. We'll see.) and I'm feeling kind of guilty about it. I googled "working in the third trimester" and it sounds like a lot of Moms-to-Be are working right up until the due date. Granted, they all have office jobs - which I don't - but it also sounds like they're working more than two days a week (which I don't.) Some have even gone so far as to "guilt" other commentors who say they're cutting out before then.

Should I really feel guilty for stopping work? It is only two days a week, but I'm on my feet the whole time, the nearest bathroom is about a block and a half away, and I don't get breaks. (Whenever there aren't customers I can take breaks, but I have to get up as soon as one comes. Some days I get half-hour long breaks, some days I'm lucky if I can snag five minutes every now and then.) I get overheated in that stupid little cafe tent, and something about waking up that early does not seem to agree with my system. (I fainted on the way to work yesterday. Don't worry - got it checked out, they said it was probably because my blood sugar dropped, since I don't eat much in the mornings. Why don't I? Because when I'm up at 4:45, the morning sickness kicks back in. Fun.)

I don't want to feel guilty for not feeling like working 16 hours a week, but sometimes I feel like I'm being a wimp about the whole thing. Or I feel like I'm being made to feel like a wimp. (Mark doesn't make me feel this way. I explained to him my reasons for wanting to quit, and he thought they were pretty legit. He was also very worried yesterday, which I think strengthens my case for staying home in his head.)

But yeah... whether I feel guilty or not, I'm still done after next week. And glad to be so.


The other thing that has been stressing me out lately is that everyone in Mark's class - except for Mark, of course - now has orders to their individual ship. Two people have already left (one to Norfolk, one to Mayport) and the rest are in the check-out process or have transferred to the other base in San Diego. All the married people so far have orders to stay in San Diego (the Navy is trying to cut moving costs, as it is wicked expensive to uproot a family, whereas moving the singletons isn't quite so much), but...

The day Mark's good buddy, Chan (who is also married and expecting a new baby any day now), got orders to San Diego, Mark went to the office and asked if there was any news for us. The guy in the office said Mark has "verbal" orders, but he doesn't usually give those out, because they are frequently subject to change before they become "official." Mark asked what they were anyway.

They were to Norfolk.

As in Virginia.

As in all the way across the friggin' country.

It has been almost two weeks since Chan got orders. Still nothing for us. We're hoping the delay is because they're looking for open jobs here in San Diego so they don't have to move us, but it's hard not knowing what's really going on.

What's even harder is the fact that these ships, while most aren't deploying until middle of next year, are going on week-long and two-week-long "underways" every other week or so. Since we have no idea which ship Mark will be on, we have no idea what its schedule is. And that makes it hard to plan for the birth and how Mark should take leave. It also makes it hard to plan when Mark is going to see his family next, or if it's going to be possible for me to make it to MN in September, let alone him.

WE CAN'T PLAN A DAMN THING.

I mean, I knew the Navy would be like this, to an extent, but I am so frustrated! Why were we the last ones? Why couldn't it have been one of the married couples who wasn't expecting a baby and trying to plan whether or not they have to move across the country and change hospitals and whether the father is going to miss the birth of his first child? Huh? Why not them?

Every day that goes by without knowing, my stress seems to multiply by ten.

And what frustrates me about that is that everyone is all like "it is what it is," and "you can't let yourself get worked up about this," and "things will work out." Easy for you all to say - YOU HAVE ORDERS! YOU CAN PLAN! BAH!

Sorry. Whiny Heather is Whiny. But I had to vent somewhere. Here is as good as anyplace.


So...yeah.

How are you all doing?