I'm not quite sure what it is, but lately I've been in the worst mood. The littlest things will set off my temper and keep it high. It almost feels like I wake up angry... Well, not quite. It's the second that I get out of bed that I get angry.
I don't know if it's just hormones, or if the stress is starting to set in that, possibly very soon, I'm going to have a baby and two large dogs to take care of while my husband is overseas. It worries me to know that, while he's gone, I have no safety net. Unless I do decide to temporarily move back home, there will be no one to help me take care of the baby. I won't have a moment to myself. I won't get breaks. I'm not exactly sure how to deal with that at this point.
Add to that the fact that my boss keeps trying to pin me down to a last day - or to make me commit to coming back to work soon after Ben is born - and I just feel cornered.
I mean, come on. I don't know how long I'm going to feel like working. It's not that I work a lot of hours, but when you're on your feet for 8 at a time, outside in the heat (it does get hot in that stand sometimes), bending and lifting and trying to do a million things at once...I'm going to work as long as I can, but I'm not going to promise to be there right up until my due date.
And I highly doubt I'll be going back after the baby is here. I won't have anyone to watch him while I'm gone, and work isn't important enough to me to search for a babysitter/nanny/daycare. If I tell the boss that now, though, I'm sure she'll just pressure me and pressure me and pressure me. Right now, I'm staying as vague as possible.
Add to both of those things is the fact that I feel totally cut out of the "pregnant group" out here. One of the girls has already given birth, and the other is due next month. They hang out with each other all the time, and when all three couples get together, they pretty much talk to just each other and I spend my time chatting with the husbands. Even if we all do end up stationed in the same port (kind of doubtful), I'm not really sure I can rely on them for support.
I try not to be bitter about that. (I may have mentioned all of this before. Now that I'm talking about it, I can't remember if I've already said it.) Some people just click. They did, and I didn't. It's not like they're rude or anything to me... it's just that sort of mopey "they wouldn't care if I wasn't around" feeling.
It's not like I don't have other friends - I obviously do. It's just hard, being out here. I spend about 90% of my free time either alone or hanging out with Mark. And, as I mentioned before, he could be going on deployment soon.
I wish I didn't whine on this blog so much. It feels repetitive, and I feel guilty for making those of you who read this read my mopey nonsense, but... It's just been one of those weeks.
Oh, and Mango's rash is back. With a vengeance.