Lately, I've found that the only times I'm okay with my life are the times when I'm not actually doing any living. What I'm okay with is watching Dexter (or The Office), knitting, obsessively checking my e-mail, and sometimes reading. Escapism.
It's something I think I've always dealt with. When I was in high school, I was obsessed with Lord of the Rings. Total LotR geek. I tried to learn Elvish, wrote fanfiction, had pictures of Orlando Bloom posted all over my locker... I wanted to live in Tolkien's world so badly that it hurt sometimes.
I won't say that has gone away. Just been repressed. Mostly.
Things haven't really changed since high school, except - I suppose - for the other worlds I'm throwing myself into. I write. So naturally I delve into that world. (I'd say I think about writing, and/or the world I've invented, about 40% of the time. When you think of all the things you think about in your day-to-day life, that's a pretty big percentage.) Recently, I've been watching a lot of Dexter. Since Miami is a real place (and a really humid one, at that), I don't often fantasize about being transported there. But I do love escaping into the plot lines of Dexter's world. (Very intense!) Escapism takes up most of my time. I'm either participating in it, or wishing I was.
I have a real problem with facing reality.
I have also developed a problem with hanging out alone in my apartment. Today, I went to Walmart for a padded envelope. When I got there, I wandered around forever - IN WALMART, people! - simply because I didn't want to go home and face the loneliness.
Needless to say, when I did come home, it was with rather more than just a padded envelope. (Pudding, peanuts, and Spongebob fruit snacks! yay!)
Where am I going with this?
Seriously, I don't really know.
All I know is that the world I'm escaping from is a scary place, and I wish I could do more to be far from it. My Ultimate Plan: a cabin, in the woods, near a lake, with my husband, some pets, and lots of books and music. My Hermit Sanctuary. Someday, it will be mine.
Until then, it's you and me, Dexter.
Oh god. I just realized. Dexter is my new Legolas! HA!