Californication

I am going to warn you: I do not feel like blogging right now. This may be short, and it may be a little grumpy. (I've been really, really exhausted lately. Not sure if I'm trying to adjust to the elevation, the noise, the time zone difference, the sleep schedule difference... or if I'm just a little bit depressed. So bear with me.)

California is... well, it's different and not different. I know that if I go outside, it'll be warm and breezy. I'll see palm trees and mountains and all kinds of flora and fauna that I wouldn't see if I were still in Minnesota. When I'm inside, it's just like home. (Well, the apartment is much nicer, but... yeah.) I do dishes and laundry. I assemble bookshelves and organize my (pitifully few) books on them. I make dinner. I check my facebook. I watch Dexter and feed the dogs. It's life-as-normal, but it still feels strange.

I know why it feels strange, of course.

Apart from the difference in my physical surroundings, the strangeness comes from the fact that I know next-to-no one out here. On Friday - to celebrate Mark's graduation from his first phase of Navy schooling - we had a grill-out/hot tub party. Ten guys came. Only guys. In a way, it was nice being the only girl - I didn't have to do any small talk, I could stand in a corner and just listen and observe, which is what I like to do best. It did mean, however, that I was afforded just about zero chance of making any new friendships. Not that I can't be friends with guys or anything. It's just that they'll all be going out onto ships. And I can't hang out with them without Mark. And also... they're all already part of their elite little group - a group I can't join, because I'm not Navy.

(I'm making it sound like they tried to disclude me or something. They didn't. What I refer to is the fact that, no matter how hard I could try, I can't really be part of their group on the level that they are. I will always be, at least in small part, an outsider.)

Anyway...

I haven't been going out much on my own. I don't know how to get around, and the roads are intimidating to me. You see, I'm terrified of bridges. And there are A LOT of really tall, long, winding, curvy overpasses here. I had to drive over a couple on my way to my apartment, and I just about had a panic attack. I know I'll have to get over it eventually, but for now, I am avoiding driving. Whenever I need to go anywhere, I take the train. Not that I have anywhere to go. I still don't know where most things are. I did go to Mark's base once. And I took Mom to some souvenir shops downtown (the fact that I found where they are without assistance is some kind of fluke). Beyond that, I walk the three blocks to Starbucks. Then I walk home and wait for Mark to come back.

I have applied a few places, including a chiropractic office. (They've already expressed some small interest in conducting an interview with me. We'll see.) I'm hoping that getting a job will force me to explore a little bit more, learn my surroundings.

I suppose I could explore without having a job to force me, but I've been feeling pretty unadventurous lately. Like I said at the beginning, I've been tired. And depressed, I'm sure. I'm very happy to be with Mark, the weather is beautiful, the apartment is nice, but still... I'm alone without him. And that is depressing. And I know that staying closeted in my apartment all day won't do me any good in the long run, but I'm just not ready to put myself out there yet. Soon, I hope. But not yet.

What I really am craving to do right now is write. Fiction, I mean. But again, the weariness and general blah-ness kind of detract from my ability. Also, I'm being plagued with that writing-fear. You know, the fear that sits with you subconsciously and keeps you procrastinating because...what if you write and it sucks? What do you do then? I'm afraid to write and discover that I'm not as good at it as I hoped.

No way to figure that out unless I write, though, is there?

I think I need to get back into the swing of writing random 400-500 word blurbs every day, just to get the flab out of my writing muscles. Then maybe I'll start work on bigger projects.

Sorry. Kind of rambling now. I feel like I'm typing a lot without actually saying much. I might come back and edit this later, tell you about some of the actual events of the move (and the first days of living in California). Maybe. If I feel like it.

For now, deal with it. 'Cause it's all you get.

Oh, and I lied. It wasn't short at all.